“My Autistic Child Makes Me Miserable” – The Google Search Results Series – Part 1
I’ve had it in mind to write articles based on Google search results for a while, and when I put in the word “autism” today, it came up with the usual, “Can it be cured?” “Is it genetic?” “Can they ever be normal?” Those answers have been covered so much by other autistic advocates, that I figured I can give them a skip. I wanted to dive deeper.
Well, deeper I went. I decided to search “my autistic child” instead. Yikes!! I mean, damn! The first result that came up was “my autistic child makes me miserable”. OK. I got this. I can write around this because it’s necessary and needed.
So, if you’re the parent who searched this, and my article popped up: Hello. I don’t hate you. YOU are actually the parent I’m trying to reach, and I’m not going to chew you out about your choice of search queries.
You’re frustrated, you’re scared, you’re angry, you’re sleep-deprived, you’re hurting, and I do understand. Maybe I don’t understand it from your perspective, but I do know what it’s like to go through all of these emotions because I’m the person on the other side of it; the autistic side.
I’m an adult autistic person. I’m your traumatized child all grown up with complex PTSD and OCD, and I want to help you both stop suffering so much.
So, Why Does Your Autistic Child Make You Miserable?
You’re miserable because you and your autistic child speak two different neurological languages, and it’s causing chronic and life-altering misunderstandings between you both on a daily, if not hourly basis. You’re not communicating, you’re clashing, and it’s hurting you both.
Misery Can Be Relieved Through Understanding
The first step I tell any parent to make when their child receives an autism diagnosis is to read books and articles written by autistic people. It is vitally important that you have access to that knowledge because your doctor, unless they are very forward-thinking and in the know about the emerging neurodiversity movement, is going to scare you to death.
He or she is going to go on and on about how challenging things will be, how your child will never have a “normal” life, how your own life is about to be turned upside down, and how you can never die because your child will never have any type of independence.
Having a medical professional say things like this to you when your child is first diagnosed sets you up with the expectation of being miserable, and that can breed resentment that can then be easily picked up on by your child because us autistic folks are very attuned to change in a person’s energy toward us, even if you never say a word.
This misery can be relieved through understanding, though. There are books I highly recommend, and I will list them down below. I also advise following neurodivergent creators on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok (and I will include a few links to those creators, as well).
Understanding the way an autistic person’s brain works and the intentions and motivations behind our behavior is your first step to learning our language, which, in turn, can greatly improve your communication with your child.
- Being Literal
Autistic people are literal. It’s just the way our brains are wired. It can be really frustrating for a neurotypical person, who is used to using idioms, subtext, and roundabout ways of conveying information to get the true meaning of a message across to an autistic person, but it is also just as frustrating for us when you don’t speak plainly.
Also, autistic literalness is not an attempt to be a smart-ass. We truly don’t understand you. When you want an autistic person to do something, ask directly, no hints, no idioms, no subtext, just clear, concise language.
For example, “The garbage needs to be taken out” is not the same thing as “Take the garbage out.” It may sound like it to you, but one doesn’t make sense to us as a request because it’s not phrased as one, whereas the other does because it’s direct.
Always be direct.
- Sensory Overload
The world as it is, with its noise and lights and smells and textures, is an assault on our senses on a daily basis. These things make us miserable all day long, and, if we’re not able to regulate our sensory input, it can cause us to make everyone around us miserable.
That’s not our intent, but without the ability to regulate our emotions and the tools necessary to do so, going to school, a family member’s house, or to the grocery store can be as horrifying and traumatizing for us as swimming with sharks would be for you.
That’s why noise-canceling headphones, sensory aids, and compassion around the onslaught we face every day is critical to our (and your) improved mental stability.
Remember, sensory overload isn’t something we can turn off, and it’s not something we can help, but it is something we can regulate.
- Food Aversions
I hear the phrase “picky eater” used in conjunction with autistic sensory aversions a lot, and I don’t like it. Being a picky eater implies choice, maybe even snobbishness, and it sends the wrong message.
A food aversion is just that, an aversion. It’s a sensory assault. It’s not an attempt to be difficult or get our own way.
For example, if your autistic child pushes peas violently off his plate every time you serve them, he is communicating with you that he cannot stand them the way you would not be able to stand eating a live, slimy, wriggling insect. He is trying to stop the sensory assault that is driving his body into fight or flight.
- Stimming
When an autistic person is prevented from stimming, it can cause shutdowns and meltdowns, which are often misinterpreted as “willful” or “bad” behavior.
Stimming is absolutely necessary for autistic people, and we must be allowed to do it to regulate our emotions and manage sensory input. It’s vital to our survival and mental stability. Taking it away, discouraging it, or making fun of it can result in extreme trauma.
If your child is not allowed to stim to self-regulate, she will be absolutely miserable and, because she will be in a near-constant state of fight-or-flight, everyone around her will be, too, most likely because they are completely misinterpreting her intentions and needs.
Unless a stim is harmful, never stop an autistic person from doing it.
- Hitting/Destructive Behaviors
Hitting, biting, hair pulling, screaming, and other destructive behaviors can make the parents of an autistic child miserable. However, this is because the child is miserable.
If any child has come to the point where they are regularly performing these behaviors, they are in deep, deep distress. They’ve tried every other way they know how to communicate a need or a feeling, and it has gone entirely unheeded.
They are at their breaking point, and their overloaded brains, which are now locked into a state of fight-or-flight, can no longer regulate their emotions or movements.
Again, this behavior is not mean, manipulative, evil, or any other of the words that may be used to describe it; these are acts of sheer desperation, frustration, and terror.
This is why it’s so vitally important to understand how the autistic brain works by reading and watching content created by autistic creators, so you, as a parent, can intervene with the right skillset and tools before this type of destructive behavior becomes a pattern.
- Asking Questions
Your autistic child is going to ask you thousands of questions, and it’s never backtalk. Autistic people use questions for one sole purpose, and that’s to get answers.
We don’t engage in the social gymnastics that neurotypical society tends to, and when we are treated like that’s our intention when we are simply trying to understand how to navigate our world, it can cause serious and irreparable trauma.
Answer every question with love and patience, and understand that when you do, you’re bringing your autistic child one step closer to a state of equilibrium.
- Needing Familiarity and Sameness
Autistic people live in a world not designed for us, which makes everything uncertain, even in the best of times. Needing familiarity, sameness, and routine, is a hallmark of the autistic brain, but it is sometimes mistaken for inflexibility or not wanting to do or try something new. This is not the case.
The familiarity of eating the same foods, wearing the same clothes, watching the same TV shows, etc., offers us soothing predictability when everything else seems out of our control.
With routines we’ve memorized, we know what’s expected of us, we know what to do, and we know the outcome will be the same every single time, and that’s blissful when being autistic in a neurotypical world is like looking both ways before crossing the street and being hit by a plane.
- Being Clumsy
If you’re unfamiliar with the autistic tendency to have poor proprioception, you may mistakenly believe your autistic child knocked over your grandmother’s priceless vase in a purposeful attempt to make your life miserable, and you may punish him or her accordingly, which will result in lasting trauma.
Autistic people can be notoriously clumsy. I know I was and still am. Proprioception is the sense that tells you where your body is in relation to other objects, and many autistic people struggle with this sense. This can cause us to knock things over, run into things, cut or burn ourselves while cooking, and be absolutely terrible at sports, among other things.
Poor proprioception is not a purposeful act of destruction, and it should never be treated as such. If you have an autistic child (or any child, really) in the house, put the valuables and breakables away. Your child’s mental health will be much better for it.
- Learning Challenges
Learning challenges are very common in autistic people. Sometimes, this is due to a comorbid intellectual disability. However, I also believe these learning challenges can be the result of neurotypical people not teaching autistic people in the way we learn.
Furthermore, many of us have learning trauma. In our past, we may have had someone try to teach us how to do a math problem, tie our shoes, play a card game, etc., and when we couldn’t learn what the neurotypical person viewed as “easy”, they became frustrated and angry with us, and that sent a clear signal to our brains that learning was dangerous and not understanding something could lead to verbal or physical abuse.
Thankfully, there are ways that you can help your autistic child learn, but you first must understand the way their brain works.
10. Anxiety
Living as an autistic person in a neurotypical world is anxiety-provoking, full stop. Literally, no other trauma has to happen to the autistic person for them to develop anxiety and/or PTSD.
Think about it, what if every time you were in a group of people, you knew there was a good chance that something you were going to say or do was going to set them off to either look at you strangely, ostracize you, or abuse you, but you didn’t know what that something was, and nobody would tell you, wouldn’t you be anxious, too?
That’s what it’s like for us every day. Miserable? I promise you we know this feeling very intimately, and we don’t want to suffer any more than you do.
Resources to Help You Better Understand Your Autistic Child
Books
https://www.facebook.com/gregsantucciOT
https://www.facebook.com/NeuroClastic
https://www.instagram.com/omgimautisticaf/
https://www.instagram.com/fidgets.and.fries/
https://www.instagram.com/neurodivergentrebel/
https://www.instagram.com/the.autisticats/
https://www.instagram.com/the.chronic.couple/
TikTok
https://www.tiktok.com/@eizawolfe
https://www.tiktok.com/@paigelayle
https://www.tiktok.com/@chloeshayden
https://www.tiktok.com/@auteach
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So i was actually looking online for answers to questions i had about my sons autism and when i typed in the search bar “my autistic child” the one you spoke of in the beginning it gave me the same search result. i decided to look and see what would pop up if i used that and i found you. im glad i did. Being and autistic adult means you may understand more of whats going on in his head at this stage in life than i do. i would really like to talk to you if you have time to email me so i can ask you some questions. we need help. i love my son but somethings going n with him that i just dont understand.
and just in case i wasnt clear enough with what i was saying. I NEED your help. no one else seems to know what to do about whats going on with him. please contact me if you can.
I sent you an email.
This didn’t touch any base on what the search actually said.. my autistic child 9.. drives me crazy and all I can do is pray that he’ll be able to take care of himself soon because I can’t do this forever.. I want a real life.. I cry daily.. even the thought of my child and what we’ve been through and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel makes me cry more. All he talks about is the latest movie or the latest toy or game.. DAILY ALLL DAY!!!!! And I pretend I’m listening with a response of “Oh wow”really.. good.. and other days I yell that I am tired of hearing it. We talk but the conversation always goes back to the latest 202 movie etc.. I don’t even know this child.. so speak on being miserable not OCD and this other crap you speak of.. remedial
I sent you an email. If I can help, I’d like to.
My 3 year old son is doing a lot of biting/destructive behaviors. Can you help me with some resources?
I haven’t read this book, but I’ve heard it has helped other parents: https://amzn.to/3FRW4tu
This is all very nice but what about the autistic child that doesn’t sleep,is non-verbal, is aggressive and harms himself and others. No services are available as the waitlist is long. No one ever talks about families likes ours. They talk about the autistics that can self-identify. My child will be dependent on me for the rest of our lives
I tried therapy for myself. Tried a few different ones. All of them kept saying take a break. Laughable. Because when I come home
From the break, it’s the same thing.
Thank you for your insightful comment, Anne. You’re correct in that I do write mostly for parents of children with lower support needs, but I do want to be a resource for families like yours, as well, but since it’s not my arena, it will require more research than I can do or offer in one comment. I will, however, direct you to this book, which parents have said has been very helpful for their child: https://amzn.to/3FRW4tu.
I have a 3 year old that we doesn’t have te maje diagnostic yet. I need some help. Can I call you?
I offer one-on-one consultations over email (direct message). You can follow the link to that page here: https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/translate-autistic-behavior/
Hi, my daughter is now 6 and is non-verbal. She has difficulty in making eye contact and concentrating. It is so difficult to imagine she will be able to write or talk or even tried to contribute to community like you do. Do you mind if I asked you what is your diagnosis when you were child? And what is therapy that you take?
Hello. I was actually diagnosed at 35, but as a child, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I don’t have any specific therapy for being autistic, but I do have a therapist for my OCD and complex PTSD. If you’d like, I can offer you a private consultation where we can speak further. You can find the link to my consultation page here: https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/translate-autistic-behavior/
Please email me. I need some guidance with my two year old after reading the part about why he’s hitting and biting meaning he’s miserable just broke me. How can I fix it? How can I do better to make him happier??
Hi, Ashley. I sent you an email.
My son 14, ASD and severe ADHD takes years long “turns” bullying myself, his brother and my husband. No amount of therapy will get him to stop. For the last couple of year a he’s turned his bullying onto me. He picks on me and thinks is funny and a game. He can be very cruel. I’m ADHD myself so I have a hard time dealing with it. The name calling, tone and inflections, he’s nasty. But when I lash out he gets offended or just laughs it off. He says he was trying to be mean that he was just playing and that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Everyday it’s the same. Before me it was my other son , 16, that he bullied for years. His personality completely changed because of it. He lost confidence in himself and became introverted. He’s extremely shy and quiet now. He was the complete opposite and it hurts to know that his own brother caused that. He himself has ADHD and has been in therapy for years as well. I just want him to stop. Outside of the home he is the sweetest boy, very attentive and sympathetic especially to those younger than him. Things have gotten worse since my mom suddenly passed away recently. He hasn’t wanted to accept it or even talk about it. He’d rather pretend that nothing has happened. I on the other hand am traumatized and am having a hard time dealing with it on top of what ye puts me through. When he does finally realize that he has in fact hurt me, he cries and apologizes and promises to never do it again but it’s a vicious cycle.
Marina, I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. Could it be that, in addition to ASD and ADHD, he may also have a personality disorder? His behavior sounds purposeful, not accidental, especially since he behaves so differently outside the home. That’s a red flag to me that there may be another mental health issue going on. Have you had him evaluated for that?
How dare you offer advice to these desperate parents this way, as if you have had the experience of being an autistic child. Diagnosed at 35!! So, then you did not have the sort of extremely disturbing behavior and global developmental delays that characterize children diagnosed early in their lives! Severely autistic children are very often non-verbal, they are agressive, violent, prone to fecal smearing, doubly incontinent, and evidence zero capacity for empathy. These parents are desperate and if you don’t understand why then I would suggest that you do manifest one defining trait of autism, and that is absence of empathy. But Autistics don’t have a monopoly on lack of empathy. No, they share this gem of a quality with both psychopaths and sociopaths, and perhaps that is the source of your tone deaf worthless ‘advice’. You have no qualifications to speak on this subject, and guilt tripping these very unfortunate parents with the suggestion that the source of their misery is their own miserable parenting.
These parents have been sentenced to a life worse than death. They will be parenting children whose autism manifests as a hybrid mental disease of sociopathy and profound mental retardation.
Have the decency to feel ashamed of yourself
I’ll never be ashamed of myself for trying to help people, Jenny. It’s my life’s purpose and work. If you believe that my writing really indicates that I have no empathy when the exact opposite is true, there’s nothing I can do to convince you otherwise. However, I will clear up one point: I never said anything about suffering being caused by bad parenting. I said that neurotypical parents often don’t understand their autistic children because their brains work differently. I want to offer a translation for that disconnect. That does not mean I can help everyone or that my words will magically stop all the pain. It’s simply an explanation and a different way of looking at things. I’m truly sorry you and your family are struggling in this way. There are other autistic creators out there who may be able to help you better than I, and there are also some incredible books written by other autistic adults. I wish you and your family nothing but the best outcome possible in your situation.
I agree with Jenny. The tone of your text is condescending. “Make you feel miserable, because they are miserable” Choice of words? It’s like “How dare you feel overwhelmed when clearly you are incompetent?” Your tone suggests you think you have the answer for everything. But the lack of precision tells me that it is not the case. You’re more attitude than anything else. I would never take advice from you.
And herein lies the disconnect between autistic and neurotypical communication. My text is literal and meant to be literal. I mean exactly what I say how I say it. When I said your autistic child makes you miserable because they are miserable it’s because that’s what I meant. I never said or implied the words, “How dare you feel overwhelmed when clearly you are incompetent?” Those are your words. I never even thought that. Uninformed? Maybe. Speaking a different neurological language than your child? Definitely. But incompetent? No. And as far as words like “condescending” and “attitude”, again, you’re reading subtext into my words where there is none, and that is a common barrier to being able to communicate effectively with us autistic folks. Also, you never have to take advice from me. In fact, I’m not giving advice. I’m actually just giving reasons. I don’t have the solutions for your individual child, I only have the explanations for why they may be behaving the way they do, and if understanding why helps in any way, then I’ve done what I set out to do. If not, then, you’re 100% correct. I cannot help you, and I would never pretend to be able to.
I have to agree with Cantatrice.
You simplify hell, and in process, make more of it.
I am the autistic parent of an autistic child. I think what the author of this article is missing is that parental struggles do not come from just a misunderstanding. Some of them do. Many, though, come from the fact that us parents are not having even our basic needs met because of the resources our children need. We do not sleep, we never get down time or vacations, we are treated unkindly by our kids, we cannot do fun things other families do, we have no time to make friends, it is hard to exercise, nothing feels safe anymore because autism often comes with medical issues. Basically, on Maslow’s hierarchy, many parents never get out of the bottom tier. I make sure my kid has as much as I can give her so that she is not stuck at basic survival, but because of that I AM. My health has gone to shit, my career is gone, my marriage is hard … I have complex ptsd now. None of that is because I don’t understand my autistic child. It is because I live in a system that requires immense wealth to care for both me and my child and I am not immensely wealthy. So I am paying the cost in my body and psyche. This isn’t my kid’s fault; it’s the system’s fault. But, it also isn’t a lack of understanding of my autistic child. I understand why she doesn’t sleep well; it doesn’t change that my health is irreversibly damaged from lack of sleep.
I’m sorry, Dani. I really am. I understand the it’s not just misunderstandings that cause life to be so complex and difficult. My only aim with this article is to offer a way for parents to create stability and peace where it’s possible to create it. I drill down to the very marrow of the possible causes of distress, so that maybe the pressure can ease up a little, and when that pressure eases, maybe there’s something else that can ease it even more. Whatever I have to offer, it can’t always fix things. Sometimes, it won’t even help. But I want to help as much as I can. This article isn’t written for every parent in every situation. It’s just one possibility. I do offer consultations if you ever want to talk and maybe try to come up with solutions, if that’s possible in your particular situation. Let me know.
Also, look up Autism Inclusivity on Facebook. They have a great group of autistic people (very blunt but effective) who talk, in-depth, about the exact topics you’re bringing up.
Diagnosed at 35 doesn’t mean that she wasn’t an autistic child. There was no diagnosis available for us older people when we were young, because unless you were nonverbal, it wasn’t thought to be autism. No, instead we just suffered and grew up traumatized.
THANK YOU for this. You articulated exactly what I was thinking perfectly. It is literally hell on earth, like living in a never ending war where there is no one coming to save you. No amount of great parenting or ‘self-awareness’ will make it end or make it better. After 23 years of this, it is clear to me that society does not care about my daughter or myself. But we can book a consultation? Right.
Just so all of you are clearly aware, I would never take money from any of you for a consultation. What you’re going through is quite beyond my ability to fix or consult on, and I’m very transparent about that. This has never been about making money for me. It’s been about translation communication and helping people where I am capable. If I’m not able, I won’t do it. That’s why I offer free sessions to get to know the people and the situation first before I ever charge. I’m not sure why so many of you are hung up on the fact that I do consultations and continue to mention them, but if you think I’m taking advantage of people and their pain, I can assure you (whether you believe me or not) that I’ve never done that and never will. For my own mental health, I’m going to stop commenting on this thread entirely. There’s no point in making this about me or continuing to defend myself, and unless a comment is particularly heinous, I will simply allow it through and let the other parents commiserate amongst each other, and the traumatized adult autistics say their piece as they please (and they will). If you don’t want to experience that, I highly suggest you all contact each other and start a private support group or join one that already exists. There are thousands, so I’m told. *sigh*
Honestly I was looking for “my autistic child” is terrified of other kids when your blog post came up.
I have honestly felt many times before my child makes my life miserable, because I spend my 24/7 with her for her and I still dont feel I can get understand her and even so I’m the one who knows her the most. I get no time for myself or my hobbies .
My child has a lot of behaviors that need to stop like putting everything in her mouse and crying every time she sees or hears a child. Because children are everywhere!!! Where the heck am I gonna go out with her if I have to avoid kids??? I feel so frustrated. She is nonverbal to make it harder and I love her so much!
All I want is for both to be happy but I’m lost in translation. I decided to study to become an aba therapist … that is my last hope. Maybe through becoming one I’ll learn enough to help her.
I have accepted her condition long ago (she is 4 was diagnose at 20 months) and honestly she is an amazing little girl! Obedient and cooperative, sweet and playful… Is just that the bad is heavy on both and I feel despair when I m not good enough to help her.
Oh, God. My heart just clenched. Please, please, please don’t become an ABA therapist! ABA is incredibly abusive and toxic and it only aims to try to teach autistic children to behave more like neurotypical children. I will do a private consultation with you for free, but please don’t do that.
I worked as an RBT therapist for about a year. The company I worked for taught basic life skills like teeth brushing, doing the dishes and laundry. At the clinic they offered socialization camps. Preschoolers learned how to play without hitting. I had trouble following some of the programs because I liked to play. Low verbal students get treated like babies sometimes. The first session I had with a teenaged student, my predecessor worked on a jumbo 48 peice puzzle with them. As I got to know the student, I realized that they were an excellent visual learner. We put together a 100 peice puzzle map of the city. My favorite memory was building a 3D wooden marble run together. We’d also made paper airplanes and would fly them down the stairs. We would communicate our strategies to see who’s would go the furthest. During one of our sessions the student had a little trouble with laundry so we took pictures of all the steps. The next session they washed, dried, folded and put away a load of laundry. That client gained a lot of confidence from daily living activities. I felt like I got paid to play.
I would hate to think I was abusing students. I work at an elementary school now. I love bringing in silly things like a corona virus plushie and use it to play “Hot Potato.” At the end of the game I use a giant novelty syringe pen to give them a fake shots. I also took a jumbo stuffed dragon and made zipper pockets on it so students can pull out organ plushies. The students ask,” Why is this stuffy sad?” I answer,” Because he’s a gallbladder and no one wants the stones he made.” It has three little stones stitched between his hands.
The ABA techniques I use are priming so students know the expectations. I remove things from the environment that can be used to harm themselves or others. Neurodivergent students don’t have to read or write what other NT students are but they do need to do school work. We can draw pictures of a story or play math games. I’m a sped paraprofessional now and I enjoy making lessons accessible.
I tell the other students how to include neurodivergent students in group activities. After a few weeks they figure out how to make space for their peers with different abilities.
These are some of my happy memories. I want to do good in the world and offer students the support I didn’t have. I was raised by 2 alcoholic parents so I went to school to learn healthier ways to teach children. Please let me know if I am misguided in my approach. Thank You.
If you’re working with students in exactly the way you describe here, it doesn’t sound abusive or misguided in any way. However, the umbrella of ABA, the core belief system, is to attempt to discourage natural and healthy autistic behaviors while making them appear more neurotypical. Taking something away from a child or keeping them from it because it may hurt them sounds like the opposite of abuse. Teaching neurotypical children how to understand and communicate with autistic children is a positive, not a negative. I think you genuinely care about the children you work with, and that’s a positive. Just be aware of anything that tries to change natural, non-harmful autistic behaviors or ways of socializing or bribes children to behave a certain way to receive a “reward” like play time or a bathroom break. Sometimes, tactics like that don’t come up until children are in higher grades. Be on the lookout for that as you progress through your career. If you ever want to talk with a former SPED paraprofessional, free of charge, I know someone I can put you in contact with. Email me at: thearticulateautistic@gmail.com.
While I appreciate your concern about ABA, especially due to its history, it has (like most fields of medicine and therapy) greatly evolved as a field.
My wife and I carefully monitor our child’s ABA therapy, in large part due to the reputation, but I’ve never had to tell a therapist to not stop my child from stimming. They do work on communication, because the very real fact exists that my wife and I are going to die. The little things that we recognize as our non-verbal son trying to communicate his needs are not going to be known once that happens.
And I really do have to agree, although I get that you don’t mean any subtext, that your comments do feel very derogatory towards parents of children with very severe needs.
To try and contextually this for you, imagine knowing that your child will never be independent, and that they will almost surely face terrible suffering when you die. Imagine having to ignore your other kids because one child’s needs are so severe, and require continuous monitoring, you simply are not able to properly take time to bond with the others. Imagine going to the bathroom and coming back to a room covered in feces, because you left them alone for 10 minutes one time.
I’ve got more scenarios, including where you or your other children are attacked because they’re in the same room. Let me tell you, a four year old can really hurt you. My wife has had two surgeries after my child broke her nose. I suspect my hearing will never recover because my son shoved his finger so deep in one ear it came out with blood on the tip.
Think on all that, then imagine being harassed and bullied online when you try to talk about it, because autistic people with almost no support needs think you’re talking about them. Being called an asshole for being completely overwhelmed with attempts to keep everyone safe.
My oldest child is autistic in the sense that I think you are prepared to talk about and offer advice on. My middle child is not just autistic, but severely disabled due to his autism. He will almost surely never have a normal life.
I feel that parents like us get bullied out of a lot of communications and community due to autistic people with low support needs feeling like we’re talking about all autistic people.
I’ve given a throwaway email, which I will monitor until it gets entirely full of hate. You may not believe me, but I truly expect large amounts of harassment if any of these comments reach a wide audience.
I agree with Jenny. when I saw what u the OP said about if a kid is hitting biting and fussing then we the parents are the ones at fault when our kids are more commonly non-verbal and frustrated and angry I knew immediately u were backwards and MUST be on the spectrum to say something stupid and condescending such as that. We are looking for help and advice not a blame exercise. My 6 yr old son is nonverbal and autistic so he can’t be listened to and reasoned with and i’ll be damned if I let you sit here and make us out to be some kind of criminals because we are doing the very best we can raising our difficult yet lovable children. Save the judgment for your stuffed animals and stop making posts like this, your not helping anyone with this
Brenda, I never blamed the parents for their child’s misery. I said the child is miserable as a result of being misunderstood and frustrated. That doesn’t mean that you, as the parent, are purposefully misunderstanding them.
One does not need to be on the spectrum to make a stupid and condescending remark, Brenda.
Haha! Thanks for the support. 😉
You are responding with emotion, projecting yourself onto the author of this article, and eschewing all sense of reading comprehension. The author did not make you out to be criminals, but clearly you feel as if you are one, since you brought up that non-sequitur. Get help and take your emotional outbursts to another venue; they are not welcome here.
I agree with Jenny. when I saw what u the OP said about if a kid is hitting biting and fussing then we the parents are the ones at fault when our kids are more commonly non-verbal and frustrated and angry I knew immediately u were backwards and MUST be on the spectrum to say something stupid and condescending such as that. We are looking for help and advice not a blame exercise. My 6 yr old son is nonverbal and autistic so he can’t be listened to and reasoned with and i’ll be damned if I let you sit here and make us out to be some kind of criminals because we are doing the very best we can raising our difficult yet lovable children. Save the judgment for your stuffed animals and stop making posts like this, your not helping anyone with this!!
I have to say that it has been very helpful to receive your explanations as to how autistic people view the world and try to cope. My son was diagnosed withAspergers in his 30s ,(he is now nearly 50 )although I knew instinctively that there was a problem with him the day he was born. I got no help and we struggled with his education, our home life and I can honestly say our life has been completely ruined by trying to cope with our controlling and disrespectful son. My husband is 88 now and feels that all our lives( his, mine, my daughters and my sons) have been destroyed by the shear lack of help and guidance we have had despite all our pleas for someone to tell us what to do. Our day to day existence consists of trying to help our son to cope with his job,paying his bills, supporting him mentally and physically, transporting him around because he doesn’t drive ( he is very obese, diabetic and highly stressed)
What I need to know is how and where do we find time to have a life ourselves because everything revolves around him. He controls us and verbally abuses us daily and doesn’t seem to understand that we are old now and need looking after ourselves!
I read the entire article. It would be very helpful to me if you would list the 10 ways an autistic person’s brain works in a printable form that I can refer to regularly and easily.
Thank you
Ah, there are so many more than 10 ways. lol! I can recommend some other articles I’ve written, though: https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/15-things-that-bother-your-autistic-loved-one-that-you-may-not-even-notice/: https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/8-things-autistic-people-do-that-youre-misreading-as-a-neurotypical/: https://www.calliopementalhealth.com/blog/misunderstood-autistic-traits.html.
Are there any resources for autistic parents of autistic children? I read your article but unfortunately didn’t find it very helpful because I am intimately aware of how autism “feels” and works (thanks to my own experience) – but that doesn’t mean I know how to not make it suck to deal with, especially with a young child and no outside support. Like I need to work, sleep, eat, and pee/poop sometimes. I’d like to have some friends and occasional time for myself to recharge – just taking care of very basic human needs. But as it stands, even with special ed preschool from the state, I’m stuck in 24/7 grind fight of flight mode at home many days trying to make everything just right to fit my kid’s needs and exactly maintain our schedule to avoid desaster. Can’t work a regular job because school is only 3h a day and no other preschool/sitter can accommodate his needs, aka deal with him. This year (he’s 4) I decided to visit my family & friends abroad for the first time since he was born. Literally haven’t been able to see them all this time and they offered to have me come over so they could all help and I could relax a bit. Except it’s not been possible because despite my best preparations of routine & comfort items, change of location apparently equals non-stop meltdowns, hitting, spitting, scratching, and not sleeping – and literally no one other than me can or will apparently deal with it. Basically counting down the days to go home now so I can “just” do it all alone without getting physically hurt in the process or anyone else getting hurt. Swore to never go on vacation again basically and I guess I just won’t see the people I love anymore. (We don’t have room to host them and they don’t have 5k+ each ro drop on flights + hotels.)
I’d just like to have some of the “normal” life/support system that other people get and care for myself for a bit without being scared that my child will hurt himself or others 🙁 I’m not even asking for special accommodations for being autistic myself and super sensitive to noise & touch – just a regular vacation to see family once a year or 2, some better sleep at night, that sort of thing.
It sounds like you’re really going through it, and I’m so sorry. I don’t have any articles on the subject myself, but there is one book about it that I know of you might find helpful: https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/product/spectrum-women-autism-and-parenting/
This was helpful and informative giving me better understanding of myself I just wish my family could understand and truly provide me with the help I need I was Diagnosed with autism when I was a freshman in highschool I’m 21 now I already had multiple diagnosis’s by the age of six like add odd adhd anxiety and bipolar disorder this put a heavy strain on my mother but we got through it until she met a man and eventually had a child with him obviously that child became her most focus tho I understand but that doesn’t make it okay to dismiss me, her husband and I doesn’t see eye to eye and he often tries to put my mother against me they fight constantly over me my mother overtime is trying to help me and work with me more when before she didn’t do much and was in denial after my diagnosis not knowing what to do(she still doesn’t but she’s trying)but he constantly tries to stop her from interacting with me I know she cares but it doesn’t feel that way it doesn’t help that me and her often fights too I also don’t like that she gives in when he dehumanizes me and undermines my struggles in mental health he was a vet and has ptsd but I can’t have issues with mental health but you can my little brother knows his dad doesn’t like me and exploits that he’ll harass me or assault me and if I respond I’m the villain I can simply push him off of me if he’s invading my space and I’m a villain I’m always in trouble concerning that child no matter what it is he can be 100 percent wrong and I’m still in trouble because I’m the older one I’m tired of being a punching bag or the scapegoat I’ve seen multiple articles on the autistic sibling being a bully and favored but not the other way around with the autistic child being the unfavorable one the normal child being the favorite one is it wrong to want to be treated like a human being am I too old or is it too late to still get love or at least help from my parents or should i just give up and cut my family out of my life I’m starting to feel that being a young adult with autism is way worse than being a young adult without it and young males is already as seen as disposable I guess can’t even be useful to a society that doesn’t want me at least normal men are useful generally if I can find resources to help me I would appreciate that before I truly do something I will regret for the rest of my life as I’m at my wits end please and thank you.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I don’t know of specific resources for young adult autistic men, but it sounds like you need support and need to get out of that situation ASAP. Are there any autism resources around you? Maybe there are neurodivergent co-share living situations that could work for you? I would vet them carefully, though, but you deserve a better and safer living situation.
No unfortunately where I am is pretty rural not much here since I live on the outskirts of a suburb.
I truly understand. I have been a single mother of an autistic . . . well now an autistic adult child for 27 years. There were times and still times where I want to end my life. My spirit is absolutely broken. I hate that I hate feeling like I do. I prayed over and over for God to take me. To lay me down by a rock and take me away, like He supposedly did Moses. But God wouldn’t do it. It finally got to a point where my prayers changed to: “God, or whatever Entity that made me, I hope you are pleased with all I have done here.” I was going to end it all. No one will understand it unless they have experienced it. Society and people around you think you are wrong for having negative feelings and say crap like, “You should love your child just the way they are” and all that crap!! As the late Tina Turner sang, “What’s Love Got To Do With It”. We do Love our children and it’s our Love that keeps us around. But the fact remains we have given our all to them but to no avail. Where’s the LOVE for me when I’ve done all I know how to do and still doing all I know how to do to help my daughter and I feel like the failure. I taught her how to drive, shop, learn facial expressions and everything else you can think of for her to be independent. My daughter has Asperger’s. She has always been high functioning. She even has an Associate Degree and a strong work ethic but she can never stay at a job because she is mistreated and doesn’t catch on to norms. She can’t get a job in her field because she can’t get past the interview. She’s socially awkward and many take advantage of her. I’m shocked I’m not under the prison for protecting her all her life! My Severe Depression & Anxiety seems to be worse than Autism now. I can barely function. I can hardly sleep. I take meds just to function long enough to work. I’m still trying to get help and funding but it’s an uphill battle that I’m tired of fighting. The sad part is, I have no help!! And No one on this earth can make it out here alone! NO ONE!! I don’t want the world on a platinum platter. I don’t want to be rich or famous. I don’t want fancy clothes and shoes. I don’t want a mansion. I don’t even want a relationship because that seems like a no-win situation. I’m damaged goods after doing everything and dealing with everything on my own that comes up with my daughter. I just want my daughter to have a fulfilled life. I have been a caretaker for 27 years and counting all by myself. I’ve started hallucinating. When I see some people in the store, I can see the spirits of their loved ones that have died trying to give them messages. Or maybe I’m just losing my mind. I’m exhausted, drained, cabined, cribbed and confined to this robotic cycle of hell every day. I’m constantly hoping for a natural disaster to come my way and sweep me over the rainbow. When a major thunderstorm comes along, I go out walking in it with my umbrella up hoping to get struck by lightning! All I want is the rim of my draws left on the side of the concrete! If I’m driving in a storm, I hope a tree, or a bridge falls on me. If I’m in my bed and a storm comes, I let my window all the way up and pray a tree comes right through the window and land directly on ME! I know we all die eventually but I want mine to come sooner than later! No one around me understands how I feel, but I no longer care about that either. If they are not click clacking in my heels with this every day or trying to help, then I don’t care! My daughter has no friends and neither do I. My Mom once told me, “Women have babies, not men; And Mother’s don’t get breaks”. I said, well I didn’t make her alone and if I can’t get a break, can I get a ‘Yield’ or a ‘Stop Sign’?! One thing I know for sure is that if a caretaker DOES NOT get a break, they will eventually resent the person they are caring for. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them; you are just human and extremely TIRED! I don’t care who it is. It can be your brother, sister, cousin, niece, nephew, uncle, auntie, mother, father, spouse, or Your Child ~
I appreciate your comment because I feel the same way. My husband and I are watching a documentary on Netflix about people who live to 100 years old. The common advice from people over 90 is to enjoy life. That’s when I realized that I don’t want to live to 100 because I don’t enjoy my life right now. I also started to feel sad watching the people in the documentary surrounded by a supportive community of friends and family. I wish I had that.
My best never seems to be enough. We’ve drained our Health Savings Account paying for different therapies and my 16 yr old son urinates in my water bottles. He says nasty hateful things when he’s stimming and everything we ask him to do becomes an argument. I wind up neglecting him because I want to get chores done and recharge.
I feel like I can’t rest because my son will get bored and do random things. He’ll burn paper on the gas stove. After he egged the neighbor’s house, we made him clean it up. He had to climb a ten ft ladder to get it all. I can’t have a complete conversation with his para after school without being on alert because he’ll pull his penis out.
I came here to know that I’m not alone and acknowledge my dark thoughts so I can pick myself and keep going. It’s easy for people on the outside to judge and that’s why it’s a gift to interact with people who understand what you’re going through. Thank you to everyone who has been vulnerable and shared your experience. We’re not alone.
“The garbage needs to her taken out” is not the same as “Take the garbage out”.
Absolutely! But I add a corollary to that, which is that “The garbage needs to be taken out” is not always an instruction to take out the garbage. It might just indeed be an observation.
In my case, I’ve got as far as learning that it can be an instruction not an observation (having been shouted at in the past for not taking the hint) but the problem now is that I always treat it as an instruction. So a neurotypical person will note that something needs doing and I immediately drop what I’m doing and jump to it, thinking (often mistakenly) that they’ve given me an instruction. And then that usually annoys them if they were just musing aloud.
Excellent point. I have done this myself.
I have to be the biggest idiot. I’ve gotten to a point where just reading these trying one more time like the idiot I must be to latch on to ANY type of “hope” brings me such loathing anger. And yet here I am once again, trying again as if the answers will ever be different. Autism SUCKS! The implications that parents, by not “understanding” their autistic child at “their level”, are in turn the sources of more inhuman behavior or long term issues is such a running joke that it honestly feels like most days trying anything will just result in more of this supposed “autistic stress”. I’m sick and tired of nothing I do EVER being good enough for this kid. He’s 3 and already I wish I had aborted of given him up, and I used to honestly believe I could handle this. I can’t. And the more I read things like this the more I really believe he’s going to grow up to be a selfish bastard who is so absorbed into his own little messed up world that he won’t ever be anything but another burden on the system. I hate that. I feel dumb for every believing autism was something I could and should accept and try to understand. Broken brains make no sense.
And searching for any type of help or advice online or in “support groups” leads to one thing over and over: high functioning/low needs autistic adults (because it’s never the ones who can’t talk or who can’t make it in the world without ALL the additional help and services for life) making it feel like nothing we do as truly struggling NT parents is good enough for them. Ifs almost as if these autistic adults think they raised themselves, got themselves services to try and give them tools to help unlock themselves, or fight with people when it was obvious something was NOT right. It’s as if nothing short of making miracles shoot out of the imaginary rainbows in our kid’s freakish little headspace will ever be good enough. As if when he grows up he should feel good in saying “mom you didn’t do your best because I feel like you hurt me by doing the only things you knew to do”. Not “mom I know I was an hard child to raise, never gave you anny type of break or rest, you lost your entire social circle and life and identity because of me. And mom I know you tried your best because I didn’t come with my own “autistic translation manual” but I’m good and can talk or type NOW because you did your best to get me to people who could help me”.
I don’t know what else I am supposed to do. I used to fight for my son, but now I believe the only thing I can do is give up and let him figure out his own self. I hate saying I don’t believe in him but in my heart I know his autism makes him all but worthless and that I’m supposed to feel “ashamed and guilty” for feeling these thoughts. But raising him is a nightmare that only other struggling PARENTS get. It feels best to just give up on him now and save myself the extra despairs that come with constant aquatic regression. At least THEN he won’t grow up to be just another autistic adult hollering how horrible and abusive and mean I was for trying to get him the help he so obviously needs. Maybe he’ll be the first autistic adult that can say he raised himself on his own and got himself the help he needed as a child.
This life honestly feels like a punishment. It feels like I will be damned for doing my very best and damned for not doing enough at the same time. And I have YET to meet/hear from or of/ read about an autistic adult that hasn’t shifted guilt or blame or implied parents aren’t doing “enough” in one way or another. What more are we really supposed to do with kids who shouldn’t even exist in this world? How am I EVER supposed to help my kid when nothing I do is good enough, nothing is ever enough for him, he can’t even express himself, AND I have people telling me therapy and ABA is “torture” and I need to let him display his behaviors because that’s what he needs. What about what WE as a family need? What about his siblings that are missing out and ashamed or bullied constantly because of him? What about the rest of us saddled with dealing with the truly nightmarish burden having and raising an autistic child truly IS? What are we supposed to do except constantly be expected to give and pour endlessly into a child who does nothing but take and take and take from everyone around him without any regards for anyone else? We can’t even be normal in how we talk with him because his brain is so broken and damaged he can’t figure anything out. And we’re supposed to take MORE time to accommodate him because it’s wrong to expect him to fit into OUR normal world?? Where is that ever going to work for anyone?
What is anyone really supposed to do? How is anyone supposed to actually love a child that brings you to your knees and makes you want to jump off a bridge more days than not. How is he supposed to be a part of our family when he brings nothing but shamed, misery, and disappointment to everyone in our family? Maybe I’m just at the end of my rope, maybe I’m tired beyond measure of all the negativity and ill-given advice from “the autistic community that has suffered for so long at the hands of their non-understanding parents. Hell, maybe I’m just tired of being sick and tired (and to make that clear and direct enough: sick and tired of not having an answer on how to improve my own life because he exists at the single largest source of unbearable stress in my world). But if you have a real solution that actually works: I am all ears.
As appalling as I find everything you’ve said here, I approved this comment for show so perhaps other parents and advocates can give you some ideas and support that I cannot. However, you are probably going to get a LOT of negative feedback, as well. I don’t usually allow any comments on this page that mention abortion because of how triggering it can be to the autistic community and others who are against it for other reasons. Again, because of the pain and rage and frustration you are obviously feeling, I’m allowing this one so others can comment. I do wish I could help you, but I would not even know where to begin because I don’t think I could ever get through the rage to the person you are underneath. For what it’s worth, I am very sorry you’re struggling so much. – Jaime
Get over yourself, Jaime, and stop being so condescending. This is how MANY parents feel. It’s a daily punishment we don’t deserve, and for what? To raise a kid who will be chained to us forever, no value add to our lives, no value add to society, who will drain our energy and our resources and make us want to end it all on a daily basis. THAT is what the majority of us are dealing with.
Thanks to everyone for writing the truth. It is reassuring that it is not just me who feels like this but it is also terrifying. Please don’t say it is a special gift, I can’t let myself think about tomorrow
I was also diagnosed in my 30s after a life of struggle and other diagnoses (GAD and ADD).
My children were all diagnosed so I thought maybe they were getting it from me.
I struggle a lot. I do well with 3 of my 4 kids but the 3rd born drains me utterly. I have the education and the first hand experience… knowledge does not reduce the misery and patience can only go so far.
When you have to cope with the same behavior problems and persistent hounding over and over and over again, it can wear out the best of us.
I feel what we really need is better support and real breaks. Other family members tap out quickly and are less available for this child and my own local community doesn’t have any sort of parent respite program. So it’s just a constant exhausting battle. I figure many parents here are in the same boat. We don’t hate our babies. We just need a break!
When finding the title of the article, like many of these parents with the “appalling” comments, I truly thought it would be an empathetic and hopeful post with some words of encouragement for a struggling caregiver. What it turned out to be was a very one sided lecture about how ASD individuals have special needs and are traumatized by living in a neurotypical world. While that is valuable information and has its place, the title now seems a bit “click-bait-ish” because people who search that their child is making them miserable are not looking for an author to tell them basically to be ashamed of themselves for being miserable when they feel they are in a never ending hell of catering to an extremely selfish and entitled person for their rest of their lives because this person has a mental/medical/developmental disability. Now before you get all upset about me saying disability…it truly is disabling for the ASD individual. Debilitating conditions of the brain and body that keep that person from living what society feels is an independent normal life. This person is forever dependent on someone, program, or service to help them exist. That’s a lot. These caregivers are driven to the point of emotional and mental exhaustion that they can become hopeless and suicidal, BECAUSE they give up everything (relationships, careers, personal happiness and fulfillment) to provide for and care for people that will never understand the burden they truly are nor will they ever care what they have done to that caregivers life because they just don’t have the mental capacity or self awareness. If you are wondering why you are getting so many of these comments….hopefully this will help you to understand.
Hello! Interesting article, thank you. I landed here because my spouse and I have been discussing our child’s stimming. We don’t mind it. It’s more accurate to say that he’s been rocking since he was a baby, and that’s a part of who he is and we love him. But he’s getting ostracized for it at school. So my spouse is trying to point out the stimming and redirect it. This is stressful. And I can imagine that this makes my child feel like his parents don’t approve of the behaviour. My spouse just wants our child to have a better mask (as if that would protect a neurodiverse person from bullying). I see that my child strongly wants friendship and acceptance and I want to provide good advice. Your viewpoint is different from many published online. Thank you for your insight.
I believe it does make him feel like his parents don’t approve of his method of self-regulating because that’s 100% true. You don’t. Rocking is soothing and comforting to him. It’s a need, not a behavior to be corrected. Masking doesn’t protect neurodivergent people from being bullied. It may stave it off or lessen it for a short time, but it never works, it isn’t sustainable, and neurotypical people always know no matter how much we think we are covering it up. Your son should not need to cover up who he is for anyone. What we need in the world is more understanding of differences so parents don’t feel like they have to teach their kids to mask to not be hurt and abused. I do see where you and your husband have good intentions, but the result will be causing emotional harm to your child in the end.
Firstly – thank you so much for writing this article.
I typed into google – “my autistic child frustrates me so much” and your article was near the top. I wrote this because I was feeling this at the time. I have 3 children – my 2 sons are Autistic aged 7 and 5.5 yrs old. One is minimally verbal and other has better language acquisition and can articulate himself easier. They often fight between themselves and it gets physical at times. They both often get caught in speech loops eg asking the same question over and over again (im not joking like 30 times) and when i give an answer it’s as if they don’t hear me or understand and they keep repeating the same question again. It’s exhausting and I’m drained daily. It’s a battle to keep myself going at times but I love them and have been trying to learn more about their diagnosis and how I can see the world better through THEIR eyes. I love my children but I also the emotions I go through on a daily basis are the same – frustration, overwhelm, resentment and sometimes anger. I go to the gym nearly every day at night when my husband is home or while they’re at school so I can catch a break. I take it out on the weights but it still isn’t enough. I don’t think really understand how physically and emotionally exhausting it is to raise individuals that have extra needs or who need extra support unless they’re actually doing it every day. I even find I don’t want to go out sometimes on outings/activities with my kids because I just don’t have the energy physically or emotionally to deal with a situation if it crops up, plus I have also noticed that I think I have developed anxiety also. I’m very anxious about going out in public where NT people won’t understand or judge and i’m also anxious about their futures. I’ve told myself I have to live as long as physically possible so I can take care of them. There are days when I cry and sob uncontrollably because it’s all too much and I feel like I’m failing them but there’s also days when it’s great!! I have done a lot of soul searching within myself and still continue to do that. I have these feelings often of “WHY ME?” “WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?” I felt resentment towards my situation and sometimes my kids when I was feeling overwhelmed. My mother died when I was a young teen so in a way I had to raise myself through my adolescents and as well as going through motherhood on my own. Yes it’s sad but it has made me a very resilient person. My husband and I also don’t get much support and because we are both tired and frustrated we do get very frustrated with each other which doesn’t help. But we do try to give each other breaks when one of us is feeling that way and we carry the load for each other. I take myself away multiple times a day for 5/10 minutes to my room or outside so I don’t have to listen to the constant 24/7 noise and demands of my kids, if I don’t I’ll explode! I sometimes disengage in interaction because I’m completely exhausted by the end of the day but I feel I have to just to catch a break for myself. I have to so that I keep showing up everyday the best I can for them.
I also have the feeling that I’m not doing enough for them or teaching them enough etc but one i do know is that my kids love me. They might not always tell me in words but they show my through action or the way they look at me with their eyes. Speaking of, my first born was non-verbal at first, he didn’t talk in singular words until he was around 4.5 yrs old. I thought he may never speak. But the day he said back to me “I love you Mama”, I burst into tears. My heart was full to the point of bursting and I felt real joy and gratitude in that very moment. Everything us NT people do and learn, we take for granted. But for some who are ND, they sometimes have to fight so hard through their challenges just to take a step forward and we forget that. Those steps are hard earned and we need to remember that. Anyway back to me feeling resentful, angry and my “why me” mindset situation at times – I’ve learnt (and still am learning) that through this journey that the Universe doesn’t make mistakes. My children aren’t for me, they just came through me. That I was meant to be their mother and that they were meant for me. Highly likely for my growth. I think it’s good to acknowledge feelings of being resentful and angry and frustrated but not to live there in those feelings for a long time because that just causes so much pain for us and the ND individuals we love and care for. There is a word in Māori (i’m from Aotearoa, New Zealand) which refers to people who are Autistic, it’s called Takiwātanga and if means in his/her own space and time. It refers to things not being on our timetable of when we think things should happen, where our kids should be, what they should’ve learnt by now etc. But instead to meet people where they are and just be there to support and uplift them. I hold onto this and other teachings I’ve learnt on this journey. My mindset and my self-talk dictates how the majority of my day will go and how I respond to stress. I’m still learning how manage this more regularly. And I’m still a realist though cos things suck bad at times when I’ve just had enough. I didn’t mean to waffle sorry but Just felt compelled to write this.
I do need your help though. If you could email me please I’d be very grateful. As I’m still and forever will be learning my kids ND language.
Need advice of obsession with screen time. Both my boys are what i would call ‘addicted’ to screens/tv etc. I have limited this at times in the past but I get tired and need a break so it comes on. I feel like my boys are ALL OR NOTHING when it comes to screens. They have complete meltdowns when it’s time to turn off screens even when they get multiple warnings and then they scream and yell and get physical towards me or each other. I’m at a loss of what to do! Do i just ban screen time all together if they can’t accept that there’s times when its on and times when it isn’t. Plus they also don’t really like to do much other activities eg read, write, draw so their interests are limited. Please help!
I also have a massive issue with conflict resolution between the two of them – I can’t reason with them when they’re both arguing/fighting over what programme to watch on tv, I have tried many times to help smooth a situation over but just ignore me and scream/hit each other. Need help!
I’m also curious to know why my kids get stuck in a vocal loop? Asking the same question over and over again even when I give them an answer….? Is it becos they don’t understand my reply or because they haven’t gotten the answer/reply they wanted or because it just feels good to them to repeat it over again (I heard this can be a form of stimming). Any advice would greatly help me.
Thank you again for your article! I was feeling like complete crap and frustrated and angry before I read it but now I don’t feel that so massive thank you:)
Hello. I sent you an email from thearticulateautistic@gmail.com. I’d be happy to help.
Ok, I made a list:
1. Never offer food he doesn’t like because food he doesn’t like is actually the same as eating worms.
2. Never yell or get mad because he won’t understand it and will make him upset.
3. Always be literal because there is no way he’ll ever learn sarcasm or slang.
4. Never stop Stimming even if it entails picking his nose in public and wiping it on the chair.
5. If he gets mad or physical or destructive just remember it’s because he’s upset. (no duh!)
6. Remember he likes sameness so if he wants to wear only one pair of underwear, fine. you know because he doesn’t like change.
WHAT A BUNCH OF BULL!
How bout this? How bout learning how to raise kids, even autistic ones who will one day be out in the world on their own? No one said being a kid was easy and no one said raising kids was easy. We all have to eat food we don’t like, do things we don’t like, experience uncomfortable things in life, do without, etc. Funny, we never have any issues over watching TV or playing on the ipad.
Healthy child rearing begins at birth. If you start there, then by the time he’s 7, 8, 13, 15 the things expected of him ARE what is the same IS what he is already used to WON”T be sensory overload because he will have been doing these things since before he can remember.
Difficult Autistic children teach us how much we suck at raising children. If you’re fighting with out of this world issues with your autistic child and he’s into elementary/middle school – it’s too late. Send him away now before he kills or hurts you or other members of the family. Or do what this lady says and just let him have his way no matter what.
hildren with a mild learning disability will be able to communicate and learn, but at a slower pace than their peers and with support. Some people have a more severe learning disability and have very limited language and skills.
I did not expect to read a post that resonated with me so deeply. It’s uncomfortable to acknowledge that I’ve been feeling frustrated and guilty about my autistic child’s behaviors, but your words have given me permission to address those emotions. Your honesty and vulnerability are incredibly refreshing and have given me a sense of hope that I can learn to navigate these feelings and be a better parent to my child. Thank you for sharing your story.
My oldest daughter , who is 22 (who identifies as non-binary, don’t give me grief for addressing her as a female because she is a biological female) also has ODD and ADHD. I am losing my mind. I have tried reading articles, it they mostly make me upset. I understand she has challenges on a daily basis. She is not able to keep a job and fully relies on my husband and i. He is a disabled combat veteran, and receives disability pay. I am unable to work due to multiple back problems. I don’t have a degree as I became a full time SAHM after our daughter was born, and caretaker while pregnant with youngest child. I also assisted caring for other relatives. Her diagnosis came last year, and she basically changed her attitude for the worst. She suddenly decided that she would become very literal, changed her eating habits. For a time, before her diagnosis, she lived I with her best friend, they were apartment roommates. After a year, she had moved back. Our youngest daughter still lives her, she’s 20, and just finished a difficult first semester at college. Oldest daughter and I can have some decent conversations, but we end up getting frustrated and stop talking. I am about at my wits end. We are fully aware that she can’t support herself fully. She also recently broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years. I love her more than she will ever know, and it breaks my heart to see her struggle, but it has put a major strain on our livelihood, and finances. She has money saved up, she’s convinced she will buy an RV in a few years, nd live a digital life nomad,we don’t see anything changing for years to come. Call me selfish, I want her and her sister to move out and have their own lives. I’m 45 by the way, and hubby is 54. We’re ready to be on our own, but the mental stress from trying to be understanding and becoming frustrated to the point I don’t want to be in the same room with her. I’m not giving up on her, but our mental health is becoming worse. Hubby also deals with his time in combat, so yeah, it can be difficult. This may make me look like an a hole, but I’m tired of being expected to catered to autism, expecting that because I’m neurotypical, that I have to be a doormat. The world does not revolve around disorders and disabilities, and I’m ready to scream. I don’t have a therapist for myself, it has been similar to pulling teeth trying to find ne that doesn’t have an appointment less than 6 mot this away. Please don’t call me cruel or hateful, I’m tired and ready to give up on myself, to the point of becoming apathetic and silent.
I’m truly sorry you and your family are facing these challenges. I would love to try to help you, if possible. However, I don’t know that you’ll see this because you left a dummy email address to remain anonymous, which is fair. If you do ever see this, send me an email at thearticulateautistic@gmail.com
Thank you for sharing your experiences, Jaime. It can be so challenging to navigate the complexities of parenting an autistic child, especially when it feels overwhelming. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to discuss these tough emotions. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone in this journey. Looking forward to more insights in the next parts of your series.
You’re not alone. I’m not planning on continuing the series, but I do offer private consultations if you’re interested